Wilt Chamberlain

1/10/92

Dear Editor,

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have had sex with 20,000 different women. 20,000: certainly an impressive assertion, however preposterous and ego-inflated it may be. One would assume that in order to maintain that type of rigorous sexual schedule, quality might be sacrificed to some degree, and his existence must have been exclusively devoted to eating, playing basketball and ejaculating, and definitely not in that order. Wilt's 55; so if we assume he lost his virginity young on account of being tall -- say at age 13 -- that gives him 42 sex-packed years, or a daily average of 1.3 distinct sets of female genitalia. And, of course, if you take into account the occasional sex-free day due to injuries, highway gridlock or other inhibiting factors, we can round that up to about 1.5 partners per.

Few would argue that Wilt Chamberlain was a great basketball player, and I can’t be sure he's fibbing about his cocks-man-ship, but how did he arrive at these statistics? Was there a turnstile he traveled with from one hotel room to another? Maybe he installed one of those rubber strips in his doorway: the kind cars drive over enabling stoplights to regulate traffic flow? Or did he hire an official to provide round-the-clock surveillance? Even the late John C. Holms, bisexual, dope-addict, porn-king (famous for his elephantine penis), claimed only a demure figure of 14,000 different women. Gene Simmons, fire-breathing-rock-star-turned- actor, alleges a mere 3,000 separate heterosexual conquests, indicating nearly puritanical restraint compared to "Wilt-the-Stilt's" colossal coitus total.

I'm 33. My average doesn't even work out to one per year. Seems kinda puny and un-macho. I wonder if any of my girlfriends had sex with Wilt? Statistically, it’d be a pretty fair bet, except for our age difference and the fact that I lived in Florida until I was seventeen (where we didn't have a professional basketball team). I'm worried, though. He’d be a tough act to follow: a 7' tall super-athlete with size 16 feet.

Fear of spilling his seed indiscriminately mustn’t have figured prominently into Wilt's life plan; and golly, talk about a demanding production quota for his poor old testicles. I don't know of any reference material on load-volume averages, but he's gotta have pumped out at least enough semen to fill an Olympic-size swimming pool. Normally I assume that when someone's self-esteem is such that they brag about sexual prowess, the resulting numbers reflect at least a 100% improvement on reality. Even if that brings his actual total down to the vicinity of 10,000, that's more than enough to guarantee his slot in the Virility Hall of Fame and position him as one of the great Jizzmeisters of this -- or any other -- century.

Jake Daehler

WGA Registered 2010