Pee-Wee Herman

7/30/91

Dear Editors,

This Pee-Wee Herman thing is really bothering me. Apparently, Paul Rubens, aka Pee-Wee Herman, was visiting his mom in Sarasota, Florida and didn't feel like jerking-off in the house. So he went to a porno-movie and was seen masturbating in the dark theater by some undercover cop with good night vision. In spite of presumably significant other world events like the signing of the first major arms limitation treaty between the U.S. and Soviet Union, the Pee-Wee Masturbation Story is the big news all over the country. The brave mavericks at CBS TV already canceled reruns of his show. He's the punch-line to every comedian's joke and -- no doubt – he’ll be the subject of many a sermon in the month's to come. Has he been convicted of anything? No. Has he had a trial? No. Is it anyone's business? No. Considering who he is, should he have been more careful? Probably.

The way the story first broke was so ambiguous and misleading: "He exposed himself." It sounded like he'd flashed a toddler. He was in a dark, porno-theater, where the majority of patrons were probably also jerking off, as people in porno houses have always done and will continue to do. Who does that hurt? The worst that can happen would be that they accidentally miss their popcorn or napkin and semen gets on the floor or the seat back in front of them. Surely some paid employee from the theater would come around afterward with a mop or squeegee to clean it up. Not the end of the world. The management of these theaters are prepared.

I'm from Florida. I'm not proud of it. They have a terrible public school system and one of the lowest literacy rates in the United States. Florida also has an unbelievably high crime rate, thanks to their #1 industry: drugs. Despite having their hands full, Florida law enforcement finds time to fight the really heinous priority crime by busting record store owners for selling 2-Live-Crew's "obscene" music and setting up sting operations to nail visiting celebrity masturbators.

There are other confusing elements at work here, too. It's apparently criminal for a man to whip out his own weenie in a darkened porno-theater, yet all across the Sunshine State you can visit strip clubs where completely naked women will dance on your table for $5. There's even a topless doughnut shop. Chippendale guys don't ever get totally naked. That's because they're men. In the movies you can show a nude woman and still have an R rating, but flash some guy’s Johnson and they'll slap you with an X rating. Anyway, I think this whole Pee-Wee business is fueled by America's idiotic and persistent denial that everybody has jerked off at some time and many of us continue to do it on a regular basis. We, as church-going people, don't want to believe that we all beat off. So if you are unlucky enough to be the pubescent child of repressed parents and you're already worried about the erections you keep getting, what a positive and helpful message this whole Pee-Wee crap carries: If you jerk off, you are a derelict, a criminal, and you deserve to be publicly humiliated and have your career destroyed. Moral of the story: with all the nice, sunny places in the world to live or visit, why would anyone choose Florida?


Jake Daehler


WGA Registered 2010