1/10/92
Dear Editor,
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have had sex with 20,000 different women. 20,000: certainly an impressive assertion, however preposterous and ego-inflated it may be. One would assume that in order to maintain that type of rigorous sexual schedule, quality might be sacrificed to some degree, and his existence must have been exclusively devoted to eating, playing basketball and ejaculating, and definitely not in that order. Wilt's 55; so if we assume he lost his virginity young on account of being tall -- say at age 13 -- that gives him 42 sex-packed years, or a daily average of 1.3 distinct sets of female genitalia. And, of course, if you take into account the occasional sex-free day due to injuries, highway gridlock or other inhibiting factors, we can round that up to about 1.5 partners per.
Few would argue that Wilt Chamberlain was a great basketball player, and I can’t be sure he's fibbing about his cocks-man-ship, but how did he arrive at these statistics? Was there a turnstile he traveled with from one hotel room to another? Maybe he installed one of those rubber strips in his doorway: the kind cars drive over enabling stoplights to regulate traffic flow? Or did he hire an official to provide round-the-clock surveillance? Even the late John C. Holms, bisexual, dope-addict, porn-king (famous for his elephantine penis), claimed only a demure figure of 14,000 different women. Gene Simmons, fire-breathing-rock-star-turned- actor, alleges a mere 3,000 separate heterosexual conquests, indicating nearly puritanical restraint compared to "Wilt-the-Stilt's" colossal coitus total.
I'm 33. My average doesn't even work out to one per year. Seems kinda puny and un-macho. I wonder if any of my girlfriends had sex with Wilt? Statistically, it’d be a pretty fair bet, except for our age difference and the fact that I lived in Florida until I was seventeen (where we didn't have a professional basketball team). I'm worried, though. He’d be a tough act to follow: a 7' tall super-athlete with size 16 feet.
Fear of spilling his seed indiscriminately mustn’t have figured prominently into Wilt's life plan; and golly, talk about a demanding production quota for his poor old testicles. I don't know of any reference material on load-volume averages, but he's gotta have pumped out at least enough semen to fill an Olympic-size swimming pool. Normally I assume that when someone's self-esteem is such that they brag about sexual prowess, the resulting numbers reflect at least a 100% improvement on reality. Even if that brings his actual total down to the vicinity of 10,000, that's more than enough to guarantee his slot in the Virility Hall of Fame and position him as one of the great Jizzmeisters of this -- or any other -- century.
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Voiceover artist and actor, Jake Daehler.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Pee-Wee Herman
7/30/91
Dear Editors,
This Pee-Wee Herman thing is really bothering me. Apparently, Paul Rubens, aka Pee-Wee Herman, was visiting his mom in Sarasota, Florida and didn't feel like jerking-off in the house. So he went to a porno-movie and was seen masturbating in the dark theater by some undercover cop with good night vision. In spite of presumably significant other world events like the signing of the first major arms limitation treaty between the U.S. and Soviet Union, the Pee-Wee Masturbation Story is the big news all over the country. The brave mavericks at CBS TV already canceled reruns of his show. He's the punch-line to every comedian's joke and -- no doubt – he’ll be the subject of many a sermon in the month's to come. Has he been convicted of anything? No. Has he had a trial? No. Is it anyone's business? No. Considering who he is, should he have been more careful? Probably.
The way the story first broke was so ambiguous and misleading: "He exposed himself." It sounded like he'd flashed a toddler. He was in a dark, porno-theater, where the majority of patrons were probably also jerking off, as people in porno houses have always done and will continue to do. Who does that hurt? The worst that can happen would be that they accidentally miss their popcorn or napkin and semen gets on the floor or the seat back in front of them. Surely some paid employee from the theater would come around afterward with a mop or squeegee to clean it up. Not the end of the world. The management of these theaters are prepared.
I'm from Florida. I'm not proud of it. They have a terrible public school system and one of the lowest literacy rates in the United States. Florida also has an unbelievably high crime rate, thanks to their #1 industry: drugs. Despite having their hands full, Florida law enforcement finds time to fight the really heinous priority crime by busting record store owners for selling 2-Live-Crew's "obscene" music and setting up sting operations to nail visiting celebrity masturbators.
There are other confusing elements at work here, too. It's apparently criminal for a man to whip out his own weenie in a darkened porno-theater, yet all across the Sunshine State you can visit strip clubs where completely naked women will dance on your table for $5. There's even a topless doughnut shop. Chippendale guys don't ever get totally naked. That's because they're men. In the movies you can show a nude woman and still have an R rating, but flash some guy’s Johnson and they'll slap you with an X rating. Anyway, I think this whole Pee-Wee business is fueled by America's idiotic and persistent denial that everybody has jerked off at some time and many of us continue to do it on a regular basis. We, as church-going people, don't want to believe that we all beat off. So if you are unlucky enough to be the pubescent child of repressed parents and you're already worried about the erections you keep getting, what a positive and helpful message this whole Pee-Wee crap carries: If you jerk off, you are a derelict, a criminal, and you deserve to be publicly humiliated and have your career destroyed. Moral of the story: with all the nice, sunny places in the world to live or visit, why would anyone choose Florida?
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Dear Editors,
This Pee-Wee Herman thing is really bothering me. Apparently, Paul Rubens, aka Pee-Wee Herman, was visiting his mom in Sarasota, Florida and didn't feel like jerking-off in the house. So he went to a porno-movie and was seen masturbating in the dark theater by some undercover cop with good night vision. In spite of presumably significant other world events like the signing of the first major arms limitation treaty between the U.S. and Soviet Union, the Pee-Wee Masturbation Story is the big news all over the country. The brave mavericks at CBS TV already canceled reruns of his show. He's the punch-line to every comedian's joke and -- no doubt – he’ll be the subject of many a sermon in the month's to come. Has he been convicted of anything? No. Has he had a trial? No. Is it anyone's business? No. Considering who he is, should he have been more careful? Probably.
The way the story first broke was so ambiguous and misleading: "He exposed himself." It sounded like he'd flashed a toddler. He was in a dark, porno-theater, where the majority of patrons were probably also jerking off, as people in porno houses have always done and will continue to do. Who does that hurt? The worst that can happen would be that they accidentally miss their popcorn or napkin and semen gets on the floor or the seat back in front of them. Surely some paid employee from the theater would come around afterward with a mop or squeegee to clean it up. Not the end of the world. The management of these theaters are prepared.
I'm from Florida. I'm not proud of it. They have a terrible public school system and one of the lowest literacy rates in the United States. Florida also has an unbelievably high crime rate, thanks to their #1 industry: drugs. Despite having their hands full, Florida law enforcement finds time to fight the really heinous priority crime by busting record store owners for selling 2-Live-Crew's "obscene" music and setting up sting operations to nail visiting celebrity masturbators.
There are other confusing elements at work here, too. It's apparently criminal for a man to whip out his own weenie in a darkened porno-theater, yet all across the Sunshine State you can visit strip clubs where completely naked women will dance on your table for $5. There's even a topless doughnut shop. Chippendale guys don't ever get totally naked. That's because they're men. In the movies you can show a nude woman and still have an R rating, but flash some guy’s Johnson and they'll slap you with an X rating. Anyway, I think this whole Pee-Wee business is fueled by America's idiotic and persistent denial that everybody has jerked off at some time and many of us continue to do it on a regular basis. We, as church-going people, don't want to believe that we all beat off. So if you are unlucky enough to be the pubescent child of repressed parents and you're already worried about the erections you keep getting, what a positive and helpful message this whole Pee-Wee crap carries: If you jerk off, you are a derelict, a criminal, and you deserve to be publicly humiliated and have your career destroyed. Moral of the story: with all the nice, sunny places in the world to live or visit, why would anyone choose Florida?
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
NY Times Letter to the Editor
7/7/94
The New York Times
New York, NY 10036
Dear Sirs,
Rumor has it, “More Americans get their news from ABC than from any other source.” If that’s true, then I am everyman. Actually, I don’t discriminate. As an infotainment junky, I tape and watch all the network magazine shows: 60 MINUTES, DATELINE NBC, 20/20, etc. Though I kid myself about having standards beneath which I will not limbo (e.g. tabloid shows like HARD COPY and A CURRENT AFFAIR), I’ll admit that if a line still exists at all, differentiating them from the programs I consume, it’s becoming as blurred as the one separating church and state in the new Christian South.
On Monday, I began receiving home delivery of your newspaper. I signed up several weeks ago outside the barbershop at a time when I was feeling particularly grown-up and responsible. Consequently, the paper’s arrival came as no surprise, and yet I feel as if I’ve been given a kind of divine shove in light of this O.J. thing. Don’t get the wrong idea -- I’m not some moralistic party-pooper who won’t slow down and gawk at a grisly three-car pile up on the interstate. Quite the contrary. In fact, I believe that the single greatest moment in the history of live television was the coverage of Mr. Simpson’s white Bronco in slow flight down a closed California freeway (complete with mobile phone link, police motorcade and throngs of curious well-wishers). In a way, it’s comforting to see that despite America’s declining financial position in the global community, and our creeping transition into a service economy, by God, when it comes to elevating the bizarre to surreal proportions, we’re still the undisputed champions.
This week it seems the O.J. story is "all the news that’s fit to tape." From PRIMETIME LIVE, to NOW, forty-five minutes out of each hour is Simpson, Simpson and more Simpson, hashed and rehashed from every conceivable angle, second, third and fourth guessed by a dozen celebrity lawyers. That’s okay with me because I can always hit the fast forward button and use the free time to do something constructive with my life. Most of the T.V. news is devoted to O.J. as well, but even that I can grudgingly accept.
Last night, however, things went too far! There was no ABC EVENING NEWS at all, just live coverage of the hearing. No apology was made. Peter Jennings didn’t even stick his head into the corner of the frame to make it look semi-official. I want to imagine that Peter was ashamed, but more likely he was just busy having a low-cal dinner with Kathleen Sullivan or out on the road getting a jump on the drive home. I couldn’t believe it. They even preempted JEOPARDY! Is there no such thing as decency left? Was this the one day nothing else happened in the whole world? Had the entire heretofore, newsworthy planet and its inhabitants ceased to exist altogether? On tenterhooks, I scanned the channels to no avail. Suddenly, in a burst of inspiration, I grabbed the newspaper and read. Instantly my sense of security was restored. Yes! The world was still there. Apparently, various people and governments had the bad taste to go right ahead making headlines that had nothing to do with an ex-football player suspected of murder. And though the reporting of this lesser news was clearly not video grade, still it somehow stuck to paper. Thank heavens for the printed page.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
246-9792
WGA Registered 2010
The New York Times
New York, NY 10036
Dear Sirs,
Rumor has it, “More Americans get their news from ABC than from any other source.” If that’s true, then I am everyman. Actually, I don’t discriminate. As an infotainment junky, I tape and watch all the network magazine shows: 60 MINUTES, DATELINE NBC, 20/20, etc. Though I kid myself about having standards beneath which I will not limbo (e.g. tabloid shows like HARD COPY and A CURRENT AFFAIR), I’ll admit that if a line still exists at all, differentiating them from the programs I consume, it’s becoming as blurred as the one separating church and state in the new Christian South.
On Monday, I began receiving home delivery of your newspaper. I signed up several weeks ago outside the barbershop at a time when I was feeling particularly grown-up and responsible. Consequently, the paper’s arrival came as no surprise, and yet I feel as if I’ve been given a kind of divine shove in light of this O.J. thing. Don’t get the wrong idea -- I’m not some moralistic party-pooper who won’t slow down and gawk at a grisly three-car pile up on the interstate. Quite the contrary. In fact, I believe that the single greatest moment in the history of live television was the coverage of Mr. Simpson’s white Bronco in slow flight down a closed California freeway (complete with mobile phone link, police motorcade and throngs of curious well-wishers). In a way, it’s comforting to see that despite America’s declining financial position in the global community, and our creeping transition into a service economy, by God, when it comes to elevating the bizarre to surreal proportions, we’re still the undisputed champions.
This week it seems the O.J. story is "all the news that’s fit to tape." From PRIMETIME LIVE, to NOW, forty-five minutes out of each hour is Simpson, Simpson and more Simpson, hashed and rehashed from every conceivable angle, second, third and fourth guessed by a dozen celebrity lawyers. That’s okay with me because I can always hit the fast forward button and use the free time to do something constructive with my life. Most of the T.V. news is devoted to O.J. as well, but even that I can grudgingly accept.
Last night, however, things went too far! There was no ABC EVENING NEWS at all, just live coverage of the hearing. No apology was made. Peter Jennings didn’t even stick his head into the corner of the frame to make it look semi-official. I want to imagine that Peter was ashamed, but more likely he was just busy having a low-cal dinner with Kathleen Sullivan or out on the road getting a jump on the drive home. I couldn’t believe it. They even preempted JEOPARDY! Is there no such thing as decency left? Was this the one day nothing else happened in the whole world? Had the entire heretofore, newsworthy planet and its inhabitants ceased to exist altogether? On tenterhooks, I scanned the channels to no avail. Suddenly, in a burst of inspiration, I grabbed the newspaper and read. Instantly my sense of security was restored. Yes! The world was still there. Apparently, various people and governments had the bad taste to go right ahead making headlines that had nothing to do with an ex-football player suspected of murder. And though the reporting of this lesser news was clearly not video grade, still it somehow stuck to paper. Thank heavens for the printed page.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
246-9792
WGA Registered 2010
NY Times Style Editor
7/14/92
The New York Times
New York, NY 10036
Dear NY Times Style Editor:
Happy Bastille Day! I tried repeatedly to thank you over the phone for sending me the pictures of my wedding from the May 24th, Sunday Times and to apologize for giving you a hard time about your newspaper's unfortunate policy of withholding negatives of unpublished photographs (despite pledges made by both your columnist and photographer). Having declared my good intentions on no less than five separate occasions, to different people who comprise your phalanx of assistants and call interceptors (only to be put off and not have my calls returned by you), I can only infer a fierce resolution on your part to never subject your delicate and discriminating eardrums to the apparently loathsome timbre of my unworthy voice. Hence the missive you are now holding.
Whereas I am grateful for the four 8x10's you promised and sent me, alas I'm sorry to report that there is a problem. The top photo of my wife, myself and our mothers was inadvertently printed vertically, thus making it off-center and without an important part of my mom's right shoulder as well as a good deal of the background that so beautifully and horizontally appeared in the style section of your fine publication. I assume such a mistake could never have been made by an experienced photo editor such as yourself. You probably didn't see it. The task of doing anything nice for me -- promised or otherwise -- was evidently so distasteful to you that perhaps you enlisted the support of one of your eager -- if incompetent – aforementioned helpers. This is, of course, supposition on my part. I sense that you are a person of high integrity and, as such, am certain you'll want to make this thing right and reprint the two 8x10's correctly to restore the missing chunk of Mom and the excised background floral arrangements, now that this error has finally been brought to your attention. Thanks in advance for your efforts.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
P.S. The two 8x10's of the bottom photo of my wife up on the chair are beautiful and expertly printed!
WGA Registered 2010
The New York Times
New York, NY 10036
Dear NY Times Style Editor:
Happy Bastille Day! I tried repeatedly to thank you over the phone for sending me the pictures of my wedding from the May 24th, Sunday Times and to apologize for giving you a hard time about your newspaper's unfortunate policy of withholding negatives of unpublished photographs (despite pledges made by both your columnist and photographer). Having declared my good intentions on no less than five separate occasions, to different people who comprise your phalanx of assistants and call interceptors (only to be put off and not have my calls returned by you), I can only infer a fierce resolution on your part to never subject your delicate and discriminating eardrums to the apparently loathsome timbre of my unworthy voice. Hence the missive you are now holding.
Whereas I am grateful for the four 8x10's you promised and sent me, alas I'm sorry to report that there is a problem. The top photo of my wife, myself and our mothers was inadvertently printed vertically, thus making it off-center and without an important part of my mom's right shoulder as well as a good deal of the background that so beautifully and horizontally appeared in the style section of your fine publication. I assume such a mistake could never have been made by an experienced photo editor such as yourself. You probably didn't see it. The task of doing anything nice for me -- promised or otherwise -- was evidently so distasteful to you that perhaps you enlisted the support of one of your eager -- if incompetent – aforementioned helpers. This is, of course, supposition on my part. I sense that you are a person of high integrity and, as such, am certain you'll want to make this thing right and reprint the two 8x10's correctly to restore the missing chunk of Mom and the excised background floral arrangements, now that this error has finally been brought to your attention. Thanks in advance for your efforts.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
P.S. The two 8x10's of the bottom photo of my wife up on the chair are beautiful and expertly printed!
WGA Registered 2010
Slaymaker Locks
12/2/92
Slaymaker Lock Co., Inc.
Lancastrer, PA 17604
Dear Slaymakers:
It's been nearly four years since I sent you the enclosed letter and the defective lock mentioned therein. If I had to count on you for security, I’d be naked and homeless by now. No wonder you guys have never over-taken Master as the nation's lock leader. How about shakin' a leg before I die of old age?!
No longer patiently yours,
J.K. Daehler
P.S. Are you guys Amish? I notice your address is in Amish country, is that why your response is taking so long? If a new lock is already on its way to me via buggy, please accept my apology.
WGA Registered 2010
Slaymaker Lock Co., Inc.
Lancastrer, PA 17604
Dear Slaymakers:
It's been nearly four years since I sent you the enclosed letter and the defective lock mentioned therein. If I had to count on you for security, I’d be naked and homeless by now. No wonder you guys have never over-taken Master as the nation's lock leader. How about shakin' a leg before I die of old age?!
No longer patiently yours,
J.K. Daehler
P.S. Are you guys Amish? I notice your address is in Amish country, is that why your response is taking so long? If a new lock is already on its way to me via buggy, please accept my apology.
WGA Registered 2010
Sanyo Phone
12/2/91
S.F.S. Corporation
Little Ferry, NJ 07643
Dear Sanyo:
Eight or nine years ago, I purchased the enclosed “Handy Telephone, model #TH2000S” in New York City as a Christmas present for my elderly widowed mother in Florida. Since that time, I assumed many of our warm, familial phone conversations were made via the aforementioned TH2000S. However, a recent visit home revealed that I was very much mistaken. I was surprised to find the gift phone not in use, but rather, piled in a dusty old box of Jimmy Carter memorabilia. My seventy year-old mother -- who doesn’t like to make waves -- sheepishly explained that it had never worked properly and had been given up for dead, less than a month after she’d received it. Apparently, her TH2000S wouldn’t hold a charge, had extremely limited range, was vulnerable to interference from virtually anything electric, would disconnect in the middle of calls and sounded off at random intervals as if possessed by some small telecommunications demon. I was stunned. Granted, my mother should have told me at the time, but more alarming was the discrepancy between my steadfast confidence in Sanyo quality, and the abysmal performance of the TH2000S you now have in front of you. The only way I’ve been able to reconcile my cherished belief with this unpleasant experience is to assume that the incident is an isolated aberration and not a harbinger of a doomed company’s downward descent. In a world of letdowns at the hands of crooked Presidents and reckless baseball teams, of slipshod workmanship and planned obsolescence, I have always looked to Sanyo to “say it ain’t so.” Understanding that the mere mention of a warranty at this late date would be idiotic, I chose instead to place the fate of my mother’s aging Christmas gift in your just and able care. For the sake of maintaining a doddering old woman’s one link to the outside world, and to restore this consumer’s faith not only in the superiority of Japanese electronics, but also in the entire Free-Enterprise system, I implore you to seize this opportunity. Why not get into the holiday spirit and show a small part of America that it’s not wrong to believe big business has a conscience, not matter what future abominations Exxon, Dow, and Union Carbide may have in store; and that Sanyo, in particular, is -- and will always be -- a beacon of integrity whose light illuminates the happy faces of satisfied customers in all corners of the globe (even Antarctica). I feel that replacing Mom’s TH2000S with a cordless phone that works would be a small, but decisive, step in that direction. Tarry not, a chance like this may never appear again! Dare to go the extra mile. You won’t regret it!
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
1/5/92
S.F.S. Corporation
Little Ferry, NJ 07643
Dear Sanyo Fixit Guys:
Boy, do you have your share of gall! I thought I had the market cornered, sending you my elderly, widowed mother’s eight-year-old piece-of-junk, “Handy TH2000S cordless phone,” which never worked properly and was retired to a box in a Florida closet within weeks of the Christmas it was intended to brighten. I realized that I didn’t have a legal leg to hop around on in terms of warranty, but I thought I might get lucky and catch you in the holiday spirit, especially since I included an unctuous, fawning letter to butter you up. I figured I’d receive something on the order of a “YES” or a “NO.” (Probably a “No,” which would have been okay.) Instead you sent me the enclosed estimate for over sixty dollars worth of work, which obviously should have been done before that lemon was stuffed into the box I optimistically purchased for approximately sixty-five dollars in the first place.
Nothing was done to the TH2000S: it wasn’t dropped, immersed, over-heated or abused in any way. The machine wasn’t really even used because it never worked, yet it apparently needed a $60.68 shot in the arm before I ever bought it. To make matters worse, the estimate said that if don’t get word to you pronto, you’ll send it back C.O.D. Wow! Why would I want to double my bad investment in a dysfunctional dinosaur when I could switch to a newer model from a more reliable company for the same money?
Anyway, I’ve just returned from a visit with my mother, who – luckily -- is not a big grudge holder, and I found your estimate, so I’m hurriedly responding before my deadline arrives. I have no intention of coughing up another nickel, so please don’t send my broken-down disgrace-of-a-phone back because I certainly won’t pay the C.O.D. I’d urge you to throw it in the nearest river were it not for the pollution factor. Why not recycle it or use it as a paperweight? Please forgive me if I never buy another Sanyo product even if I live to be 800 years old, but I am not now -- nor do I ever expect to be -- rich enough to flush money down the toilet.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
S.F.S. Corporation
Little Ferry, NJ 07643
Dear Sanyo:
Eight or nine years ago, I purchased the enclosed “Handy Telephone, model #TH2000S” in New York City as a Christmas present for my elderly widowed mother in Florida. Since that time, I assumed many of our warm, familial phone conversations were made via the aforementioned TH2000S. However, a recent visit home revealed that I was very much mistaken. I was surprised to find the gift phone not in use, but rather, piled in a dusty old box of Jimmy Carter memorabilia. My seventy year-old mother -- who doesn’t like to make waves -- sheepishly explained that it had never worked properly and had been given up for dead, less than a month after she’d received it. Apparently, her TH2000S wouldn’t hold a charge, had extremely limited range, was vulnerable to interference from virtually anything electric, would disconnect in the middle of calls and sounded off at random intervals as if possessed by some small telecommunications demon. I was stunned. Granted, my mother should have told me at the time, but more alarming was the discrepancy between my steadfast confidence in Sanyo quality, and the abysmal performance of the TH2000S you now have in front of you. The only way I’ve been able to reconcile my cherished belief with this unpleasant experience is to assume that the incident is an isolated aberration and not a harbinger of a doomed company’s downward descent. In a world of letdowns at the hands of crooked Presidents and reckless baseball teams, of slipshod workmanship and planned obsolescence, I have always looked to Sanyo to “say it ain’t so.” Understanding that the mere mention of a warranty at this late date would be idiotic, I chose instead to place the fate of my mother’s aging Christmas gift in your just and able care. For the sake of maintaining a doddering old woman’s one link to the outside world, and to restore this consumer’s faith not only in the superiority of Japanese electronics, but also in the entire Free-Enterprise system, I implore you to seize this opportunity. Why not get into the holiday spirit and show a small part of America that it’s not wrong to believe big business has a conscience, not matter what future abominations Exxon, Dow, and Union Carbide may have in store; and that Sanyo, in particular, is -- and will always be -- a beacon of integrity whose light illuminates the happy faces of satisfied customers in all corners of the globe (even Antarctica). I feel that replacing Mom’s TH2000S with a cordless phone that works would be a small, but decisive, step in that direction. Tarry not, a chance like this may never appear again! Dare to go the extra mile. You won’t regret it!
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
1/5/92
S.F.S. Corporation
Little Ferry, NJ 07643
Dear Sanyo Fixit Guys:
Boy, do you have your share of gall! I thought I had the market cornered, sending you my elderly, widowed mother’s eight-year-old piece-of-junk, “Handy TH2000S cordless phone,” which never worked properly and was retired to a box in a Florida closet within weeks of the Christmas it was intended to brighten. I realized that I didn’t have a legal leg to hop around on in terms of warranty, but I thought I might get lucky and catch you in the holiday spirit, especially since I included an unctuous, fawning letter to butter you up. I figured I’d receive something on the order of a “YES” or a “NO.” (Probably a “No,” which would have been okay.) Instead you sent me the enclosed estimate for over sixty dollars worth of work, which obviously should have been done before that lemon was stuffed into the box I optimistically purchased for approximately sixty-five dollars in the first place.
Nothing was done to the TH2000S: it wasn’t dropped, immersed, over-heated or abused in any way. The machine wasn’t really even used because it never worked, yet it apparently needed a $60.68 shot in the arm before I ever bought it. To make matters worse, the estimate said that if don’t get word to you pronto, you’ll send it back C.O.D. Wow! Why would I want to double my bad investment in a dysfunctional dinosaur when I could switch to a newer model from a more reliable company for the same money?
Anyway, I’ve just returned from a visit with my mother, who – luckily -- is not a big grudge holder, and I found your estimate, so I’m hurriedly responding before my deadline arrives. I have no intention of coughing up another nickel, so please don’t send my broken-down disgrace-of-a-phone back because I certainly won’t pay the C.O.D. I’d urge you to throw it in the nearest river were it not for the pollution factor. Why not recycle it or use it as a paperweight? Please forgive me if I never buy another Sanyo product even if I live to be 800 years old, but I am not now -- nor do I ever expect to be -- rich enough to flush money down the toilet.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Samsonite Luggage
6/29/94
Samsonite Corporation
Denver, Colorado 80239
Dear Samson Knights:
Can you say Déjà vu? In October, 1991, I bought a Samsonite backpack at a store called Luggage and Leather in Manhattan. Despite my $64.90 contribution to their continued success and prosperity, the store went belly-up. Sadly, the aforementioned backpack began to fall apart at around the same time. Memory places both events circa July of ‘92. By December, I located the register receipt and sent it along for your perusal. You sent me a new backpack, but kept the receipt.
Enclosed please find the replacement pack, which -- like the first one -- has finally gone the way of the dinosaurs. The strap is ripping off. I’ve been reasonably gentle with this backpack and never carried around anything particularly dense or cumbersome. Yet here we are again. Perhaps in the final analysis, vinyl should be eschewed in favor of tougher materials. Since the time limit on the original three-year warranty has yet to expire, I’m trusting you good and just people to send me -- what surely will be -- the last replacement. As stated earlier, there is no receipt because you kept it on the previous go-round, and the store -- which was on 52nd Street and Seventh Avenue -- is no more. Please hurry, as I’m eager to -- once again -- carry my burden on my back in a smart and sturdy piece of luggage built in the famous Samsonite tradition.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Samsonite Corporation
Denver, Colorado 80239
Dear Samson Knights:
Can you say Déjà vu? In October, 1991, I bought a Samsonite backpack at a store called Luggage and Leather in Manhattan. Despite my $64.90 contribution to their continued success and prosperity, the store went belly-up. Sadly, the aforementioned backpack began to fall apart at around the same time. Memory places both events circa July of ‘92. By December, I located the register receipt and sent it along for your perusal. You sent me a new backpack, but kept the receipt.
Enclosed please find the replacement pack, which -- like the first one -- has finally gone the way of the dinosaurs. The strap is ripping off. I’ve been reasonably gentle with this backpack and never carried around anything particularly dense or cumbersome. Yet here we are again. Perhaps in the final analysis, vinyl should be eschewed in favor of tougher materials. Since the time limit on the original three-year warranty has yet to expire, I’m trusting you good and just people to send me -- what surely will be -- the last replacement. As stated earlier, there is no receipt because you kept it on the previous go-round, and the store -- which was on 52nd Street and Seventh Avenue -- is no more. Please hurry, as I’m eager to -- once again -- carry my burden on my back in a smart and sturdy piece of luggage built in the famous Samsonite tradition.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
J.D. Salinger
4/28/93
J. D. Salinger
Cornish, NH
Dear Mr. Salinger,
Thank you for your work. I find myself re-reading your stories whenever I feel stuck, lost, alone or just beaten down by a world all too frequently lacking in substance, truth or inspiration. “Franny and Zooey,” or virtually anything else you’ve published, consistently provides a sanctuary where I know I can recharge my aesthetic battery in a place of remembered beauty.
I think I understand why you no longer offer up anything for public consumption. Just as strongly, I imagine and wish that you still write purely for yourself and the fat lady. I respect your choice, although I’m saddened that I may never get to enjoy any post-“Hapworth 16, 1924,” material. I’m an actor and there is no role I’d rather play than Zooey. Even so, I’m glad you’ve never allowed your stories to be altered and diminished in the service of a film, television or stage adaptation. For a time I wanted to take you to task on the way Seymour killed himself. As you’ve presented him, it’s not in his character to act so hostilely toward anyone, particularly Muriel. I also yearn for stories in which Walt, Waker, Les and Boo Boo play leading roles.
Your books are personal and specific, which makes them universal. They emphasize again and again the most loving and positive message possible in the world today: “You are not alone.” I look forward to having children one day and sharing your beautiful words with them.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
J. D. Salinger
Cornish, NH
Dear Mr. Salinger,
Thank you for your work. I find myself re-reading your stories whenever I feel stuck, lost, alone or just beaten down by a world all too frequently lacking in substance, truth or inspiration. “Franny and Zooey,” or virtually anything else you’ve published, consistently provides a sanctuary where I know I can recharge my aesthetic battery in a place of remembered beauty.
I think I understand why you no longer offer up anything for public consumption. Just as strongly, I imagine and wish that you still write purely for yourself and the fat lady. I respect your choice, although I’m saddened that I may never get to enjoy any post-“Hapworth 16, 1924,” material. I’m an actor and there is no role I’d rather play than Zooey. Even so, I’m glad you’ve never allowed your stories to be altered and diminished in the service of a film, television or stage adaptation. For a time I wanted to take you to task on the way Seymour killed himself. As you’ve presented him, it’s not in his character to act so hostilely toward anyone, particularly Muriel. I also yearn for stories in which Walt, Waker, Les and Boo Boo play leading roles.
Your books are personal and specific, which makes them universal. They emphasize again and again the most loving and positive message possible in the world today: “You are not alone.” I look forward to having children one day and sharing your beautiful words with them.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Scott Peck and The Road Less Traveled
4/28/93
M. Scott Peck
New Preston, CT 06777
Dear Dr. Peck,
I just read a paperback edition of your book, "The Road Less Traveled." I enjoyed the book but was troubled to find no acknowledgment of Robert Frost for your title. I assume it’s there somewhere. Am I right?
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
7/5/93
Ms. Logan
c/o M. Scott Peck
New Preston, CT 06777
Dear Ms. Logan,
This is a response to your response to my letter to your “semi-retired” boss, Dr. Peck, about the absence of any acknowledgment to Robert Frost for helping him come up with a title that could sell books. Your answer that Dr. Peck “recognized the title THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED had a ‘Frostian’ ring, looked it up and realized that it was indeed close,” citing as evidence the fact that the line from Frost’s poem reads, “the one less traveled,” is insulting. “Close,” you say? Clearly “one” refers to “road.” While I’m sure this sort of literary borrowing is done with equal success time-and-again (and no one from the dead poet’s estate is likely to sue), when an author writes a book about grace and integrity and doesn’t seem the least bit grateful or beholden to a fellow writer for a very familiar -- if not exact -- million-seller title, it just seems hypocritical and unctuous, particularly when the original title, THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SPIRITUALITY AND GROWTH, would surely have been a long shot for a publisher eager to make back his investment. Your final statement that Frost “leaves it unclear if the difference was good or bad,” was confusing to me for a variety of reasons. First, it isn’t at all unclear if you are a sentient adult with even rudimentary command of language; and second, Peck knows that and is capitalizing on the fact that everyone else does, too, when they buy his book. The content of Dr. Peck’s work further supports the obvious conclusion that the difference was positive.
In the end, all I ask is that when -- as with Hemingway or Salinger -- the search for a catchy phrase leads you to the writings of John Donne, Ecclesiastes, or Sappho, just give a little nod where credit is due.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
M. Scott Peck
New Preston, CT 06777
Dear Dr. Peck,
I just read a paperback edition of your book, "The Road Less Traveled." I enjoyed the book but was troubled to find no acknowledgment of Robert Frost for your title. I assume it’s there somewhere. Am I right?
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
7/5/93
Ms. Logan
c/o M. Scott Peck
New Preston, CT 06777
Dear Ms. Logan,
This is a response to your response to my letter to your “semi-retired” boss, Dr. Peck, about the absence of any acknowledgment to Robert Frost for helping him come up with a title that could sell books. Your answer that Dr. Peck “recognized the title THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED had a ‘Frostian’ ring, looked it up and realized that it was indeed close,” citing as evidence the fact that the line from Frost’s poem reads, “the one less traveled,” is insulting. “Close,” you say? Clearly “one” refers to “road.” While I’m sure this sort of literary borrowing is done with equal success time-and-again (and no one from the dead poet’s estate is likely to sue), when an author writes a book about grace and integrity and doesn’t seem the least bit grateful or beholden to a fellow writer for a very familiar -- if not exact -- million-seller title, it just seems hypocritical and unctuous, particularly when the original title, THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SPIRITUALITY AND GROWTH, would surely have been a long shot for a publisher eager to make back his investment. Your final statement that Frost “leaves it unclear if the difference was good or bad,” was confusing to me for a variety of reasons. First, it isn’t at all unclear if you are a sentient adult with even rudimentary command of language; and second, Peck knows that and is capitalizing on the fact that everyone else does, too, when they buy his book. The content of Dr. Peck’s work further supports the obvious conclusion that the difference was positive.
In the end, all I ask is that when -- as with Hemingway or Salinger -- the search for a catchy phrase leads you to the writings of John Donne, Ecclesiastes, or Sappho, just give a little nod where credit is due.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
NYC Parks Department
1/11/95
NYC Parks Department
New York, NY 10023
Dear Last and Best of the Park Elk,
It's that time again and, accordingly, I'd like to renew my season permit for Heckscher softball field every Sunday. Enclosed is a copy of last year's permit. Mr. Elk, there may be only one of you in the domain of the Parks System these days, but it is my belief that an entire herd of those like-named quadrupeds of yore could not have proven themselves as valuable to the citizens of Manhattan and its adjoining boroughs as you have. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
NYC Parks Department
New York, NY 10023
Dear Last and Best of the Park Elk,
It's that time again and, accordingly, I'd like to renew my season permit for Heckscher softball field every Sunday. Enclosed is a copy of last year's permit. Mr. Elk, there may be only one of you in the domain of the Parks System these days, but it is my belief that an entire herd of those like-named quadrupeds of yore could not have proven themselves as valuable to the citizens of Manhattan and its adjoining boroughs as you have. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Lufthansa Airlines
3/23/93
Lufthansa Airlines
New York, NY 10022--1208
Dear Lufthansa,
This is a “Thank You” note. Normally, my wife writes the “Thank You” notes and I write the “You-bastards-better-honor-my-warranty” letters. The only time I've ever written to an airline was years ago when one of your competitors tried to weasel out of reimbursing me some money by sending a coupon for “travel credit.” Usually I can smell a bad deal when I step in one, so I wouldn’t have accepted their offer, even if it weren’t crystal clear that this particular carrier was about to go the way of the Buffalo. I wasn’t even mad that I had to sit in the Fort Lauderdale Airport for six hours while their crackerjack ground crew sauntered feverishly around the Sunshine State scavenging for a wing de-icer. They stunk and everyone knew it, but the fares were cheap and who really expects to have an easy time on a plane trip? People who’ve flown Lufthansa, that’s who!
On our honeymoon, my wife and I flew your wonderful airline to Greece. It’s true what they say - you guys have this transportation thing down! Achtung! On-time departure, attentive flight-attendants, comfy seats, free drinks (even in coach!), good food, great animated progress reports that let us know how close we were to Halifax, as well as scores of other characteristically German statistics such as wind speed, miles flown, miles to go, elapsed time, local time, New York time and German time. We also got a kick out of the multi-lingual warning (with illustration) to never flush bottles or silverware down the toilet. If aliens ever visit Earth, I don’t want them knowing that anyone ever tried to flush spoons and forks. All this is my way of saying that, thanks to you, our marriage got off on the right wing. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
P.S. All the German people we met on the Greek islands kept changing their clothes ... and right out in the open ... underwear and everything! Is this a national pastime or do you guys just get crazy when you’re on vacation?
WGA Registered 2010
Lufthansa Airlines
New York, NY 10022--1208
Dear Lufthansa,
This is a “Thank You” note. Normally, my wife writes the “Thank You” notes and I write the “You-bastards-better-honor-my-warranty” letters. The only time I've ever written to an airline was years ago when one of your competitors tried to weasel out of reimbursing me some money by sending a coupon for “travel credit.” Usually I can smell a bad deal when I step in one, so I wouldn’t have accepted their offer, even if it weren’t crystal clear that this particular carrier was about to go the way of the Buffalo. I wasn’t even mad that I had to sit in the Fort Lauderdale Airport for six hours while their crackerjack ground crew sauntered feverishly around the Sunshine State scavenging for a wing de-icer. They stunk and everyone knew it, but the fares were cheap and who really expects to have an easy time on a plane trip? People who’ve flown Lufthansa, that’s who!
On our honeymoon, my wife and I flew your wonderful airline to Greece. It’s true what they say - you guys have this transportation thing down! Achtung! On-time departure, attentive flight-attendants, comfy seats, free drinks (even in coach!), good food, great animated progress reports that let us know how close we were to Halifax, as well as scores of other characteristically German statistics such as wind speed, miles flown, miles to go, elapsed time, local time, New York time and German time. We also got a kick out of the multi-lingual warning (with illustration) to never flush bottles or silverware down the toilet. If aliens ever visit Earth, I don’t want them knowing that anyone ever tried to flush spoons and forks. All this is my way of saying that, thanks to you, our marriage got off on the right wing. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
P.S. All the German people we met on the Greek islands kept changing their clothes ... and right out in the open ... underwear and everything! Is this a national pastime or do you guys just get crazy when you’re on vacation?
WGA Registered 2010
Kryptonite Lock
12/2/92
Kryptonite Corporation
Boston, Ma 02122
Dear Krypto Knights,
Twelve years ago, I bought the enclosed Kryptonite-4 in an effort to prevent Manhattan’s extensive and well-established underworld from relieving me of the ten-speed bicycle I’d gotten as a boy in Florida. I’m pleased to announce that for these many years your fine product accomplished it’s mission with flying colors, apparently thwarting efforts of even the most clever and devious of New York’s aforementioned sinister element. You’ll no doubt be gratified to learn that my stubborn wife has never enjoyed the protection of Kryptonite security, employing instead rival -- and often significantly more expensive -- locks and chains, only to have three bicycles stolen in as many years.
Therefore, I’m sure you can understand how crestfallen I became last week when my trusty Kryptonite-4 jammed after opening and -- despite a vigorous and enthusiastic lubrication from me -- seems unwilling or unable to ever lock again. It wasn’t forced, hammered or cut and yet it remains as you now find it. Perhaps -- like Superman himself -- even Kryptonite must ultimately succumb to the relentless and heavy hand of Father Time. I don’t recall the specifics of your warranty and feel pangs of guilt broaching the subject at all, but I believe this would come under the category of “normal wear and tear,” granting -- of course – well-deserved accolades for heroic staying power in this age of shoddy workmanship and planned obsolescence. All this is my way of saying that I’m placing myself and, more pertinently, my K-4 bike lock, in your just and able hands.
Should this letter find you in a beneficent or industrious humor, please feel free to replace or repair the lock. If not, then may I suggest using it as a paperweight or perhaps sending it along to your factory for recycling. Either way, be sure not to let the decision or its execution -- in any way -- interfere with your holiday plans! Thanks for your consideration and for the peace of mind your longstanding commitment to quality has given me.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Kryptonite Corporation
Boston, Ma 02122
Dear Krypto Knights,
Twelve years ago, I bought the enclosed Kryptonite-4 in an effort to prevent Manhattan’s extensive and well-established underworld from relieving me of the ten-speed bicycle I’d gotten as a boy in Florida. I’m pleased to announce that for these many years your fine product accomplished it’s mission with flying colors, apparently thwarting efforts of even the most clever and devious of New York’s aforementioned sinister element. You’ll no doubt be gratified to learn that my stubborn wife has never enjoyed the protection of Kryptonite security, employing instead rival -- and often significantly more expensive -- locks and chains, only to have three bicycles stolen in as many years.
Therefore, I’m sure you can understand how crestfallen I became last week when my trusty Kryptonite-4 jammed after opening and -- despite a vigorous and enthusiastic lubrication from me -- seems unwilling or unable to ever lock again. It wasn’t forced, hammered or cut and yet it remains as you now find it. Perhaps -- like Superman himself -- even Kryptonite must ultimately succumb to the relentless and heavy hand of Father Time. I don’t recall the specifics of your warranty and feel pangs of guilt broaching the subject at all, but I believe this would come under the category of “normal wear and tear,” granting -- of course – well-deserved accolades for heroic staying power in this age of shoddy workmanship and planned obsolescence. All this is my way of saying that I’m placing myself and, more pertinently, my K-4 bike lock, in your just and able hands.
Should this letter find you in a beneficent or industrious humor, please feel free to replace or repair the lock. If not, then may I suggest using it as a paperweight or perhaps sending it along to your factory for recycling. Either way, be sure not to let the decision or its execution -- in any way -- interfere with your holiday plans! Thanks for your consideration and for the peace of mind your longstanding commitment to quality has given me.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Jesse Helms Re-Election Campaign
10/11/90
Ms. Jane Helms Knox
Helms for Senate Committee
Raleigh, N.C. 27690-1159
Dear Jane:
Take a breather and put your feet up, because your father isn't going to lose his Senate seat to a liberal black man, no matter what the TV ads are claiming. Certainly not in North Carolina, with the powerful backing of the tobacco industry. Did you know that 142,000 Americans will die from lung cancer in 1990?
I was surprised to receive your impassioned daughterly appeal for cash support. As a registered Democrat (and contributor to Harvey Gantt's campaign fund) who has already written four letters to Congress protesting your father's N.E.A. policies, I can only assume that the mailing-list company which sold you my name did you a disservice by so drastically misjudging my political leanings. In fact, nothing would give me greater pleasure, short of total eradication of all deadly diseases, an end to world hunger and pollution, or the peaceful resolution of the Gulf crisis, than to see Jesse Helms go down in defeat. Of course that sort of thing would only happen in a fair and just universe, so I wouldn't lose any sleep worrying about it if I were you.
I have always felt that your father's efforts toward introducing prayer into the classroom serve to further blur the ever-fading line our country's founders laid down to insure the separation of church and state. With regards to Mr. Helms' consistently pro-censorship stand on the National Endowment for the Arts, I would like to state that I would never be in favor of appointing a group of artists -- who have no knowledge in the field of government -- to sit in judgment of all monies to be allotted for the expenses and salaries of U.S. Senators. I understand that only qualified arbiters from the specific fields being reviewed would be adequately equipped to evaluate needs and merit. I further expect that I might not personally approve of all their decisions. Those awards and rulings which run contrary to my particular aesthetic would be a small price to pay to safeguard the greater good.
It is for these reasons that I conclude that "Citizen Helms" is so much more pleasing to my ear than "Senator Helms" and, therefore, I cannot -- in good conscience -- commit my money or efforts to support his re-election. To that end, I would like to thank you personally, Ms. Knox, for providing the Business Reply envelope so this communiqué will at least cost the Helms campaign fund the price of postage.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA registered 2010
Ms. Jane Helms Knox
Helms for Senate Committee
Raleigh, N.C. 27690-1159
Dear Jane:
Take a breather and put your feet up, because your father isn't going to lose his Senate seat to a liberal black man, no matter what the TV ads are claiming. Certainly not in North Carolina, with the powerful backing of the tobacco industry. Did you know that 142,000 Americans will die from lung cancer in 1990?
I was surprised to receive your impassioned daughterly appeal for cash support. As a registered Democrat (and contributor to Harvey Gantt's campaign fund) who has already written four letters to Congress protesting your father's N.E.A. policies, I can only assume that the mailing-list company which sold you my name did you a disservice by so drastically misjudging my political leanings. In fact, nothing would give me greater pleasure, short of total eradication of all deadly diseases, an end to world hunger and pollution, or the peaceful resolution of the Gulf crisis, than to see Jesse Helms go down in defeat. Of course that sort of thing would only happen in a fair and just universe, so I wouldn't lose any sleep worrying about it if I were you.
I have always felt that your father's efforts toward introducing prayer into the classroom serve to further blur the ever-fading line our country's founders laid down to insure the separation of church and state. With regards to Mr. Helms' consistently pro-censorship stand on the National Endowment for the Arts, I would like to state that I would never be in favor of appointing a group of artists -- who have no knowledge in the field of government -- to sit in judgment of all monies to be allotted for the expenses and salaries of U.S. Senators. I understand that only qualified arbiters from the specific fields being reviewed would be adequately equipped to evaluate needs and merit. I further expect that I might not personally approve of all their decisions. Those awards and rulings which run contrary to my particular aesthetic would be a small price to pay to safeguard the greater good.
It is for these reasons that I conclude that "Citizen Helms" is so much more pleasing to my ear than "Senator Helms" and, therefore, I cannot -- in good conscience -- commit my money or efforts to support his re-election. To that end, I would like to thank you personally, Ms. Knox, for providing the Business Reply envelope so this communiqué will at least cost the Helms campaign fund the price of postage.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA registered 2010
HP Printer Cartridge Packaging
7/12/09
Hewlett Packard CEO
Palo Alto, CA 94304-1185
To Whom It May Concern:
Over the years, I’ve owned more of your printers than I’m willing to admit. Finally, I’ve found one that works well and does all the things I need it to, though it does go through a lot of ink.
I was interested in the paragraph on your oversized un-recyclable molded plastic packaging for your 564XL combo value pack of tiny toners (the 9 ½ X 11 container is at least 3x larger than necessary). The text encourages me to feel good about HP’s "commitment to the environment." As I struggled to cut open the package with a pair of heavy-duty shears, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought I saw Ralph Nader flash back at me. Once opened, my problem became how to dispose of everything that wasn’t one of your nifty, new, recyclable cartridges.
In between rounds of slapping yourselves on the back for having such a small carbon footprint, you might want to "take 5" long enough to consider sticking your cartridges in an appropriately sized package, which won’t take 700 years to decompose. Just a thought.
Yours in greenness,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Hewlett Packard CEO
Palo Alto, CA 94304-1185
To Whom It May Concern:
Over the years, I’ve owned more of your printers than I’m willing to admit. Finally, I’ve found one that works well and does all the things I need it to, though it does go through a lot of ink.
I was interested in the paragraph on your oversized un-recyclable molded plastic packaging for your 564XL combo value pack of tiny toners (the 9 ½ X 11 container is at least 3x larger than necessary). The text encourages me to feel good about HP’s "commitment to the environment." As I struggled to cut open the package with a pair of heavy-duty shears, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought I saw Ralph Nader flash back at me. Once opened, my problem became how to dispose of everything that wasn’t one of your nifty, new, recyclable cartridges.
In between rounds of slapping yourselves on the back for having such a small carbon footprint, you might want to "take 5" long enough to consider sticking your cartridges in an appropriately sized package, which won’t take 700 years to decompose. Just a thought.
Yours in greenness,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
High Sierra Explorer Backpack Clasp
1/11/95
High Sierra Customer Service
Vernon Hills, IL 60061-3164
Dear High Sierrans,
How’s the weather up there? It’s cold here in Manhattan right now, and that’s the way I like it. I spent the first seventeen years of my life in Fort Lauderdale, Florida where it is hot and humid. Currently, I bear much of life’s burden comfortably on my back, thanks to your stylish 323 Explorer Backpack that I purchased some months ago. I cannot, however, utilize the handy waist strap for that extra measure of safety and security (not available to owners of your competition's less well-designed brands). Why am I unable to make use of your thoughtfully efficient innovation you ask? Because my wife put the pack on the floor where the larger and more destructive of my two dogs -- Wagner -- chewed the clasp enough to render it useless. If our troubled, but effective, postal service has done its job, you now possess -- presumably in front of you -- what remains of the aforementioned and now worthless clasp.
Let’s get to the point. This is not a warranty request. There is no defect in workmanship or materials. You owe me nothing. If you could throw a new clasp in the mail, though, I would be happy to pay for your trouble even before I sew plastic to strap for a resumption of proper toting capability. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
P.S. Sorry about the smudges. My printer needs either an overhaul or a decent burial.
WGA registered 2010
High Sierra Customer Service
Vernon Hills, IL 60061-3164
Dear High Sierrans,
How’s the weather up there? It’s cold here in Manhattan right now, and that’s the way I like it. I spent the first seventeen years of my life in Fort Lauderdale, Florida where it is hot and humid. Currently, I bear much of life’s burden comfortably on my back, thanks to your stylish 323 Explorer Backpack that I purchased some months ago. I cannot, however, utilize the handy waist strap for that extra measure of safety and security (not available to owners of your competition's less well-designed brands). Why am I unable to make use of your thoughtfully efficient innovation you ask? Because my wife put the pack on the floor where the larger and more destructive of my two dogs -- Wagner -- chewed the clasp enough to render it useless. If our troubled, but effective, postal service has done its job, you now possess -- presumably in front of you -- what remains of the aforementioned and now worthless clasp.
Let’s get to the point. This is not a warranty request. There is no defect in workmanship or materials. You owe me nothing. If you could throw a new clasp in the mail, though, I would be happy to pay for your trouble even before I sew plastic to strap for a resumption of proper toting capability. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
P.S. Sorry about the smudges. My printer needs either an overhaul or a decent burial.
WGA registered 2010
GE Oven Door
6/19/09
General Electric Company
Fairfield, CT 06828
Dear GE:
We recently bought a home that included several of your attractive, state-of-the-art appliances. One of our three children is a profoundly inquisitive 20-month-old boy who really wants to climb up the front of your oven. The problem with this is that he’s now heavy enough to pull the door open, sending him crashing backwards onto the tile floor.
I love that your oven doesn’t get hot in the front while something is baking. Naturally, I assumed that there was a means in which to lock the oven door so that my child could stop bonking his head on the floor. Upon closer inspection, I found a latch on the inside of the oven door, but was unable to engage it. Pouring over the manual I was surprised to find this issue was not addressed. The only way the lock seems to engage is while the oven is in self-cleaning mode. Once the cleaning has completed and the oven has cooled, it unlocks itself. I knew this had to be wrong.
A company such as yours that “brings good things to life” and has designed into their whiz-bang oven a “Sabbath” setting to fool God into thinking you’re not actually using this appliance on Saturday (when in fact you are), surely would be equally concerned with the safety of children of all religions 7 days a week. A phone call to your customer service has led me to believe my confidence in your thoroughness, responsibility, and know-how is misplaced. Can it really be true that this oven won’t lock unless it’s cleaning itself? Say it ain’t so.
Hopefully,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
General Electric Company
Fairfield, CT 06828
Dear GE:
We recently bought a home that included several of your attractive, state-of-the-art appliances. One of our three children is a profoundly inquisitive 20-month-old boy who really wants to climb up the front of your oven. The problem with this is that he’s now heavy enough to pull the door open, sending him crashing backwards onto the tile floor.
I love that your oven doesn’t get hot in the front while something is baking. Naturally, I assumed that there was a means in which to lock the oven door so that my child could stop bonking his head on the floor. Upon closer inspection, I found a latch on the inside of the oven door, but was unable to engage it. Pouring over the manual I was surprised to find this issue was not addressed. The only way the lock seems to engage is while the oven is in self-cleaning mode. Once the cleaning has completed and the oven has cooled, it unlocks itself. I knew this had to be wrong.
A company such as yours that “brings good things to life” and has designed into their whiz-bang oven a “Sabbath” setting to fool God into thinking you’re not actually using this appliance on Saturday (when in fact you are), surely would be equally concerned with the safety of children of all religions 7 days a week. A phone call to your customer service has led me to believe my confidence in your thoroughness, responsibility, and know-how is misplaced. Can it really be true that this oven won’t lock unless it’s cleaning itself? Say it ain’t so.
Hopefully,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Airline Vouchers
4/3/90
Eastern Airlines Inc.
Miami, FL 33148
To Whom It May Concern,
According to the pilot, transportation home was to be paid by Eastern. The voucher-less woman in charge of distributing transportation vouchers instructed me to pay the driver with my own money, then send the receipt to you guys for reimbursement. I paid the cab with real money and expected to be reimbursed with the same, not “Eastern travel credit.” Unfortunately I travel too rarely for the coupon to be of any real value to me.
I was surprised and disappointed to receive the coupon indicating your attempt to renege on the promises made by our pilot and the empty-handed voucher-mistress. To my further chagrin, the coupon arrived looking as if it had been gnawed by rodents. Would that I were as adaptive as a rat, I could at least enjoy making a meal of the otherwise worthless paper. Most of the coupon remained, however, which leads me to conclude that even the least charismatic of the lower mammals are ultimately discriminating and know a bad deal when they taste one.
I've enclosed the non-eaten portion of the voucher along with another copy of my original letter of explanation in the hopes that you might, at long last, decide to honor the promises made by two of your colleagues and grant me the refund in spendable U.S. currency. Thank you for your attention.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA registered 2010
Eastern Airlines Inc.
Miami, FL 33148
To Whom It May Concern,
According to the pilot, transportation home was to be paid by Eastern. The voucher-less woman in charge of distributing transportation vouchers instructed me to pay the driver with my own money, then send the receipt to you guys for reimbursement. I paid the cab with real money and expected to be reimbursed with the same, not “Eastern travel credit.” Unfortunately I travel too rarely for the coupon to be of any real value to me.
I was surprised and disappointed to receive the coupon indicating your attempt to renege on the promises made by our pilot and the empty-handed voucher-mistress. To my further chagrin, the coupon arrived looking as if it had been gnawed by rodents. Would that I were as adaptive as a rat, I could at least enjoy making a meal of the otherwise worthless paper. Most of the coupon remained, however, which leads me to conclude that even the least charismatic of the lower mammals are ultimately discriminating and know a bad deal when they taste one.
I've enclosed the non-eaten portion of the voucher along with another copy of my original letter of explanation in the hopes that you might, at long last, decide to honor the promises made by two of your colleagues and grant me the refund in spendable U.S. currency. Thank you for your attention.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA registered 2010
Costco
7/29/10
Costco Corporation
Issaquah WA 98027
Dear Mr. Sinegal,
I’m a long-time member and great fan of your store, Costco. Several unenlightened years ago, I also belonged to Sam’s Club as well. However, I no longer patronize WalMart or Sam’s Club due to their politics, atrocious environmental record, hostility to unions, mistreatment of employees, un-fair business practices, and use of child workers overseas.
Some months back, I bought replacement HP printer cartridges at your wonderful Clifton, NJ store (an attractive and fragrant flower in the sometimes un-fragrant Garden State). As the cartridges were in a preposterously over-sized plastic package, I was surprised to read on the box what a good "steward of nature" Hewlett Packard claims to be. I sent a letter encouraging them to take five from patting themselves on the back for being such great recyclers while still encasing their small cardboard boxes between two large sheets of non-recyclable plastic (which won’t decompose for hundreds of years). Soon after, I received a phone call from the head of their international design team who was upset by my snarky missive. He insisted that the huge, environmentally unfriendly packaging was done by Costco, not HP. I was both stunned and disappointed. I’d fully expect that behavior from Sam’s Club or Walmart, but not from you guys. Say it ain’t so! He urged me to write to you directly, so here goes.
Please stop doing this! There certainly must be better options that still enable you to entice customers through attractive, non-planet-killing displays. This applies to pens, iPods, video games, etc.
Thanks in advance on behalf of myself, Hewlett Packard and the Earth.
Yours greenly,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Costco Corporation
Issaquah WA 98027
Dear Mr. Sinegal,
I’m a long-time member and great fan of your store, Costco. Several unenlightened years ago, I also belonged to Sam’s Club as well. However, I no longer patronize WalMart or Sam’s Club due to their politics, atrocious environmental record, hostility to unions, mistreatment of employees, un-fair business practices, and use of child workers overseas.
Some months back, I bought replacement HP printer cartridges at your wonderful Clifton, NJ store (an attractive and fragrant flower in the sometimes un-fragrant Garden State). As the cartridges were in a preposterously over-sized plastic package, I was surprised to read on the box what a good "steward of nature" Hewlett Packard claims to be. I sent a letter encouraging them to take five from patting themselves on the back for being such great recyclers while still encasing their small cardboard boxes between two large sheets of non-recyclable plastic (which won’t decompose for hundreds of years). Soon after, I received a phone call from the head of their international design team who was upset by my snarky missive. He insisted that the huge, environmentally unfriendly packaging was done by Costco, not HP. I was both stunned and disappointed. I’d fully expect that behavior from Sam’s Club or Walmart, but not from you guys. Say it ain’t so! He urged me to write to you directly, so here goes.
Please stop doing this! There certainly must be better options that still enable you to entice customers through attractive, non-planet-killing displays. This applies to pens, iPods, video games, etc.
Thanks in advance on behalf of myself, Hewlett Packard and the Earth.
Yours greenly,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Letter to a Casting Director
2/5/89
Casting
ABC Television Center
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Dear Mr. Page:
I'm writing this because someone I trust spoke very highly of you...but for some reason, I can't remember who it was. I frequently forget where I've put my gym bag but I always manage to find it, so maybe by the end of this letter, I'll have that name for you. In the meantime, let me tell you some stuff about myself. For the past six years, I've been in New York City studying acting and earning my living doing commercials, industrial films and plays. It's true that I'm WASPY looking, however, I can play a wide range of roles. I've enclosed two current headshots for your perusal. The lighter of the two seems to be more popular (although I personally feel that the visible whites below the pupils in my eyes make me look like I'm about to assassinate a world leader). I like the dark, less conventional photo better, though I realize that the background makes me look like some sort of magician. If I had my druthers, all photos (driver license, passport, high school and college graduation shots included) would be taken with me sitting on a pony, but of course, that's unprofessional.
Here are some things that my resume won't tell you about me:
I like J. D. Salinger's books a lot, even though I don't think I'd ever want to meet him.
I actually own two leisure suits (one powder blue and one rust - the rust one was a gift from my mother who lives in Florida).
I had a classmate in second grade named Chester Esther who used to spit a lot.
If there is a Hell, and if by some cruel cosmic mistake I end up there, and if in Hell I have my own custom-tailored jukebox to torment me throughout all eternity, these four songs will be on it:
(1.)"Boom Boom Boom, Let's Go Back To My Room;"
(2.)"You Decorated My Life;"
(3.)"Dear Mister Jesus;"
(4.)"Sometimes When We Touch, The Honesty's Too Much."
By this time you're probably wondering how all this information relates to you? I'll tell you. The other day I was sitting around thinking about Horace Greeley, who once told somebody - possibly Horace Mann -- to "Go West!" I thought about that for a while and it just made sense, so that's what I'm doing. That's right, I'm moving to California and that's where you come in ... No I don't need you to help me move ... but thanks. What I will need you to do is keep me in mind for any and all projects you think would be right for a guy like me: someone who eats all the food on his plate (even the Lima beans).
Well... I still can't remember who it was who told me you were a-okay, but I know it was someone I trust... so I'll just leave it at that. Thanks for your indulgence and I hope this letter finds you healthy and happy. I look forward to meeting you.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Casting
ABC Television Center
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Dear Mr. Page:
I'm writing this because someone I trust spoke very highly of you...but for some reason, I can't remember who it was. I frequently forget where I've put my gym bag but I always manage to find it, so maybe by the end of this letter, I'll have that name for you. In the meantime, let me tell you some stuff about myself. For the past six years, I've been in New York City studying acting and earning my living doing commercials, industrial films and plays. It's true that I'm WASPY looking, however, I can play a wide range of roles. I've enclosed two current headshots for your perusal. The lighter of the two seems to be more popular (although I personally feel that the visible whites below the pupils in my eyes make me look like I'm about to assassinate a world leader). I like the dark, less conventional photo better, though I realize that the background makes me look like some sort of magician. If I had my druthers, all photos (driver license, passport, high school and college graduation shots included) would be taken with me sitting on a pony, but of course, that's unprofessional.
Here are some things that my resume won't tell you about me:
I like J. D. Salinger's books a lot, even though I don't think I'd ever want to meet him.
I actually own two leisure suits (one powder blue and one rust - the rust one was a gift from my mother who lives in Florida).
I had a classmate in second grade named Chester Esther who used to spit a lot.
If there is a Hell, and if by some cruel cosmic mistake I end up there, and if in Hell I have my own custom-tailored jukebox to torment me throughout all eternity, these four songs will be on it:
(1.)"Boom Boom Boom, Let's Go Back To My Room;"
(2.)"You Decorated My Life;"
(3.)"Dear Mister Jesus;"
(4.)"Sometimes When We Touch, The Honesty's Too Much."
By this time you're probably wondering how all this information relates to you? I'll tell you. The other day I was sitting around thinking about Horace Greeley, who once told somebody - possibly Horace Mann -- to "Go West!" I thought about that for a while and it just made sense, so that's what I'm doing. That's right, I'm moving to California and that's where you come in ... No I don't need you to help me move ... but thanks. What I will need you to do is keep me in mind for any and all projects you think would be right for a guy like me: someone who eats all the food on his plate (even the Lima beans).
Well... I still can't remember who it was who told me you were a-okay, but I know it was someone I trust... so I'll just leave it at that. Thanks for your indulgence and I hope this letter finds you healthy and happy. I look forward to meeting you.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA Registered 2010
Ben & Jerry's
7/18/94
Ben & Jerry’s
Waterbury, V.T. 05676
“Yo! I’m your C.E.O.”
Dear Guys,
I’m a 35 year-old analyzed, married vegetarian who could devote full attention to ice cream without getting distracted by teenage girls, video games, or meat. My wife wants kids, so executive income is a must. I like companies that don’t exploit workers or spew toxic gunk into the world. I’d split the pay with a co-C.E.O. who’d administrate while I become the corporate conscience and front man. Since I also act and write, I could do the commercials myself! It would be a fine way to shut my in-laws up about when I’ll "amount to something." Plus, I’ve heard Vermont is nice.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA registered 2010
Ben & Jerry’s
Waterbury, V.T. 05676
“Yo! I’m your C.E.O.”
Dear Guys,
I’m a 35 year-old analyzed, married vegetarian who could devote full attention to ice cream without getting distracted by teenage girls, video games, or meat. My wife wants kids, so executive income is a must. I like companies that don’t exploit workers or spew toxic gunk into the world. I’d split the pay with a co-C.E.O. who’d administrate while I become the corporate conscience and front man. Since I also act and write, I could do the commercials myself! It would be a fine way to shut my in-laws up about when I’ll "amount to something." Plus, I’ve heard Vermont is nice.
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA registered 2010
AMEX Delta Sky Miles Program
5/4/98
Mr./Ms. M. Kemp
Customer Support
American Express Delta Sky Miles Program
Dear M. Kemp,
It feels odd writing to a stamped signature ... especially one of fiercely indeterminate gender. I don’t think calling would seem as weird; but, alas, that’s not possible since a contact number, actual signature or any clues regarding your relative status as either man or woman were conspicuously omitted from your missive. With my Visa™ card, even the stamped names in customer service have sexes and access numbers. If you’re ever going to stay competitive, keep up with the Jones's and, once and for all, put a stop to those irritating television commercials about moped rental places in Chad not taking American Express™ because you’re not “everywhere we want to be.” It’s time to crack the whip and make some changes, tout suite! How’s that for laying down the gauntlet?
The Amex rep. who assigned case number xxxx, assured me you couldn’t take incoming calls. But I’ll bet if Dominos™ needs to confirm your large pie with anchovies order before making the -- less than thirty minute -- drive to your office, that call would get through. Anyway, sorry it’s taken so long for me to respond for the second time to your reply, but my laptop was on the fritz. Enclosed, please find the sum total of our correspondence to date. I feel it speaks for itself. What I propose as a compromise -- in lieu of the promised round trip companion ticket to Florida -- is 15,000 miles credited to my Sky Miles™ account. Could that happen?
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
P.S. I have algae-eating snails in both my fish tanks. It’s nearly impossible to figure out whether they’re male or female. Consequently, I’ve named then all M. Kemp in your honor!
WGA registered 2010
Mr./Ms. M. Kemp
Customer Support
American Express Delta Sky Miles Program
Dear M. Kemp,
It feels odd writing to a stamped signature ... especially one of fiercely indeterminate gender. I don’t think calling would seem as weird; but, alas, that’s not possible since a contact number, actual signature or any clues regarding your relative status as either man or woman were conspicuously omitted from your missive. With my Visa™ card, even the stamped names in customer service have sexes and access numbers. If you’re ever going to stay competitive, keep up with the Jones's and, once and for all, put a stop to those irritating television commercials about moped rental places in Chad not taking American Express™ because you’re not “everywhere we want to be.” It’s time to crack the whip and make some changes, tout suite! How’s that for laying down the gauntlet?
The Amex rep. who assigned case number xxxx, assured me you couldn’t take incoming calls. But I’ll bet if Dominos™ needs to confirm your large pie with anchovies order before making the -- less than thirty minute -- drive to your office, that call would get through. Anyway, sorry it’s taken so long for me to respond for the second time to your reply, but my laptop was on the fritz. Enclosed, please find the sum total of our correspondence to date. I feel it speaks for itself. What I propose as a compromise -- in lieu of the promised round trip companion ticket to Florida -- is 15,000 miles credited to my Sky Miles™ account. Could that happen?
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
P.S. I have algae-eating snails in both my fish tanks. It’s nearly impossible to figure out whether they’re male or female. Consequently, I’ve named then all M. Kemp in your honor!
WGA registered 2010
Another Defective Aquarium Air Pump
8/13/89
Penn - Plax Plastics, Inc.
Garden City, NY 11530
Gentlemen:
I am sending you the replacement air pump you sent me in September of 1988, which replaced the defective one I bought in April of that year. This newer one stopped working a couple of weeks ago and since that's less than one year from the date you sent me the last pump -- according to your guarantee -- you owe me another one. I'd prefer a refund, of course, rather than another of your famous defective pumps, but you ignored my request last go-round so I don't really expect you've grown a conscience in such a short time. I don't know what I'll do with a bad air pump though, as I've already switched to a more reliable brand. Perhaps I could wrap it up and give it as an obligatory holiday gift to a relative I don't like who shows up uninvited with some horrible present for me. At any rate, here's the pump and a copy of last year's letter for you and your staff to enjoy while you sit and ignore reports of other product design flaws. Thank you for your prompt attention.
Sincerely,
J.K. Daehler
enc.
WGA registered 2010
Penn - Plax Plastics, Inc.
Garden City, NY 11530
Gentlemen:
I am sending you the replacement air pump you sent me in September of 1988, which replaced the defective one I bought in April of that year. This newer one stopped working a couple of weeks ago and since that's less than one year from the date you sent me the last pump -- according to your guarantee -- you owe me another one. I'd prefer a refund, of course, rather than another of your famous defective pumps, but you ignored my request last go-round so I don't really expect you've grown a conscience in such a short time. I don't know what I'll do with a bad air pump though, as I've already switched to a more reliable brand. Perhaps I could wrap it up and give it as an obligatory holiday gift to a relative I don't like who shows up uninvited with some horrible present for me. At any rate, here's the pump and a copy of last year's letter for you and your staff to enjoy while you sit and ignore reports of other product design flaws. Thank you for your prompt attention.
Sincerely,
J.K. Daehler
enc.
WGA registered 2010
Aquarium Air Pump
8/14/88
Penn - Plax Plastics, Inc.
Garden City, NY 11530
Gentlemen:
In April of this year I purchased an aquarium and the equipment for it, including your XP-440 TWIN Air Pump. In July, 3 months after its purchase, one of the two air jets stopped working. The store I bought it from wouldn’t fix it, so I attempted to fix it myself with your pump repair kit (Catalog #PRK-1). It still didn't work, and as my fish can only hold their breath for a limited amount of time, I bought another pump, which seems to be working well.
Because the pump is "guaranteed against defects in material and workmanship for one year from date of purchase," I am returning it and the repair kit to you for a refund. The pump cost $9.99 plus N.Y. sales tax, totaling $10.84.
In addition, because I’m asking for a refund and not repair of the pump, I am not enclosing the $2.00 you requested for handling and service charges.
Thank you for your prompt attention,
Sincerely,
J.K. Daehler
enc.
WGA registered 2010
Penn - Plax Plastics, Inc.
Garden City, NY 11530
Gentlemen:
In April of this year I purchased an aquarium and the equipment for it, including your XP-440 TWIN Air Pump. In July, 3 months after its purchase, one of the two air jets stopped working. The store I bought it from wouldn’t fix it, so I attempted to fix it myself with your pump repair kit (Catalog #PRK-1). It still didn't work, and as my fish can only hold their breath for a limited amount of time, I bought another pump, which seems to be working well.
Because the pump is "guaranteed against defects in material and workmanship for one year from date of purchase," I am returning it and the repair kit to you for a refund. The pump cost $9.99 plus N.Y. sales tax, totaling $10.84.
In addition, because I’m asking for a refund and not repair of the pump, I am not enclosing the $2.00 you requested for handling and service charges.
Thank you for your prompt attention,
Sincerely,
J.K. Daehler
enc.
WGA registered 2010
Showerhead and Faucet Aerator
12/16/91
Seventh Generation
Colchester, VT 05446-1672
To Whom It May Concern,
You guys are normally a-okay by me, but this water-saving showerhead and faucet aerator are strictly un-recyclable garbage. Far from being "impressed" by the advertised "forceful flow" of your shower head, I was barely aware the water had been turned on last week when I excitedly stepped into the tub for my first politically correct shower. I was disappointed by the delicate mist my heretofore high-pressure nozzle was emitting. It felt as if I were sneezing into a light wind or getting drooled on by a medium sized dog. So weak and spiritless was the spray that -- had I not reattached the old head on the spot -- I'd probably still be in there trying to get the shampoo out of my hair!
I'll cheerfully carry old newspapers and bundle cardboard till the cows come home, but I guess I'm just not evolved enough yet to sacrifice my showers for the cause of conservation. I'm equally sorry to report that even if the valve hadn't immediately broken off the kitchen aerator, I would have similar complaints about its performance. Accordingly, I have enclosed the offending items and would appreciate a refund, including shipping. However, I urge you to take heart and not be discouraged. I am confident that one day your researchers will have the kinks worked out or maybe I -- and others like me -- will have grown too guilty or insensitive to notice. No hard feelings!
Sincerely,
Jake Daehler
WGA registered 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)